“When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless your heart.”
Late year was one of the biggest shifts that my life has ever taken. I am not talking about a new school, new friends, a new church, and a new life direction. I’m talking about the fact that God broke me down more in that year than any other time in my life. He showed me just how broken of a person I truly am. He revealed to me the blatant idolatry in my life. I had shifted every bit of focus off the God who created me and who deserved all my praise, and directed it towards things that left me with no satisfaction. I was worshiping something that could never truly fulfill the desires I had in the deepest parts of my soul.
But God, in His infinite mercy, tore me apart. He shredded me from the inside out. This may sound like a harsh statement, but it is one that rings true in my own life.
One of the hardest nights of my life came when I least expected it. I was headed to a worship night of all places. As I walked to what I thought would be a joyful night of singing, it ended up being a night full of sorrow and groaning. That night, right before I was going to grab the door handle to enter the room where my friends were singing, the Holy Spirit struck me life I had never experienced. But this wasn’t an experience that left me singing with hands lifted high. Instead, I was on my knees, facing every sin that had consumed my life. As tears ran down my face and I struggled the catch a breath, I was stripped naked before a Holy God. My eyes had been uncovered and my blindness lifted. I saw just how small and minuscule I was before the glory of the Most High. My music had faded.
“The King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I’m weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath.”
This was not God acting wrathfully because I had sinned against Him. Instead, this was the act of compassion that was needed in my life to bring me back the purpose for which I was created. God, seeing me in my sin, loved me enough to allow me to see the glory that stood before me. He was merciful enough to convict me of my rebellion against him. He, full of grace, had worn me down to the point where I was in the darkest spot I had ever been in. I saw the weight of my own selfishness and inability to give my worship to the one that deserves every bit of it.
Yet, He chose to love me.
The thing about God is that He doesn’t leave you in those dark places once He brings you to them. Instead, He lifts you out of it. That night, as I recognized the weight of my sin, I worshiped God more than I ever had. My lowest point turned out to be the highest. Not become of something I had done, but because I was completely stripped of myself. I recognized just how much I needed God. I had abandoned every part of myself to Him. I was worn down to the point of worship. I had offered more worship than any song could bring. I had recognized the infinite worth and glory of the King.
I worshiped God in the way He demanded to be worshiped.
When we as Children of God refuse to give Him the worship he is due, He loves us enough to break us down. He is merciful enough to show us our sin. He is gracious enough to destroy our idolatry. He is the only one that can satisfy. He is the only one worthy of worship. God demands our hearts recognize how little we are and how great He is.
“I’m comin’ back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus
I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus.”
“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ by grace you have been saved and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
Ephesians 2: 1-10
I want to thank two of my best friends, Carter Vaughan and Lindsey Frerichs, for being the vessels in which God used to shine His light into me on the darkest night of my life. You guys have impacted my life more than you could ever know. I love you both so much.